Here I go again. This post or whatever will be shorter, as I've decided two important things.

First thing: I'm gonna go to the end with this bloggie, wherever it's heading me. I haven't told my therapist, nor I'm goingo to, cause I don't have the impression that would be a very smart idea; but I've told Richie, and I'm happy I've done it. Um... yeah, Richie is my boyfriend, (and no, he isn't my best friend whom I initially sorta fell in love with; complicated story). He said it was wonderful I was trying to be more funny about this and not taking so seriously everything that anybody said to me; and maybe giving my mother a heart attack when she found out, at which point I started doubting this was a good idea after all, and he told me he was joking.

Yeah. Great joke.

The point is, that I've made up my mind, and I pretty like this blog-thing. So I will carry on. Way to go, me.

The second thing, is that I'll try to update as soon as I can, so that my entries are gonna be shorter and will only give pieces; as much as I'm comfortable with. I think that is an interesting story, as much as my stupid therapist wants to call it the illusionary-episode, whatever. I don't really listen to him anymore. The more you ignore him, the more sane you keep. That's my new motto, by te way. Not that I had one before or anything, but I think is cool to have one.

Oh, one last thing Richie also told me, that maybe was really reading this, and wanted to send me a encouragement/opinion/flames/whatever, and that I should provide an e-mail address. I don't know if that's correct or not, but he's great in giving people advice, so I think I will follow his on this. I've made another hotmail account just to be sure, so if someone really wants to say 'hi', you can to stenn_knolt@hotmail.com.

Now, that's all folks.

So... I think this whole blog thing is not going to work at all. I mean, I know there's no way someone is reading this, I really do, but still it gives me the chills to think that maybe someone I know has come across whit this by accident (happened to me twice this year, Internet is a very small place, and he/she/wahtever would recognize me in it, and maybe tell another persons....I know is stupid, and a man my age should know better. So sue me! I'm insecure, I can't help it.

Back to the topic, I'm not sure I can keep on doing this. What's the point? I tell this very stupid things to my therapyst every week, so why re-telling them? I think is because I know he doesen't belive and here I have no way to know that you don't believe me, so I can pretend you do, and feel myself much better. Or somehitng like that. I don't know, I'm confused. How do they put it in the other blogs? Current mode: confused. Yeah, that's it. I think I like it.

So maybe I will carry on with this whatever thing. Have to think a little more about it. Maybe I tell my boyfriend to know what he thinks...

See? I feel much better tha before! It's magic!

Well, here I go. Yesterday I couldn’t update, you see, my connection was being a bitch. Again. The same as two days ago. But then again, I have to pay for it every month, so you can’t really blame me. My mother refused to pay for it, saying that she was already spending a lot of money on me, and that I have to learn how to save for the bad moments.

As if she was one to talk.

Anyway, I suppose she’s right. She’s paying me my majoring in psychology, my brand new car, my cigarettes, and my therapy lessons. Yeah, you read right, as in I go to the psychiatric. Or psychologist. Or whatever. (Don’t you think it’s kind of poetic? Studying psychology when you’re insane yourself? I think it is) Mom obliged me. She has this silly idea that I’m doing this all gay thing just to piss her off. As if I would make up something like that just to make her mad. I know how to do that without messing up my life, thank you very much.

So I’m stuck with six hours per day of random rambling thoughts of my teachers (what, did you think psychology was funny??) and two hours of this quit-pretending-to-be-homosexual therapy by some stupid doctor. I bet he thinks that’s a damn clever name. Do they really believe I’m making this whole thing up?? When it happened to me it was as if I wanted to die! (well, technically I tried, but that’s not the point) I spent almost a year thinking it over, trying as hell to be normal, and I only ended up hurting the few friends I still had. So fuck it, I’m sick of thinking it, of triyng to figure out my motives to feel that way.

I am this way, and it someone doesn’t like it, to hell with it.

Yup, I think I feel much better now!

Uh... Hello. My name is David, and my surname I'd rather let it be anonymous. Just believe me when I tell you that I’m not a fantasy or another else’s creation just to spend the time. There are some moments when I really wish it’d be, really, but then I have to wake up and came back to reality.

First of all, a little background on me, but just a little or you will get bored. I was a normal kid, up-growing in a normal family and with normal friends, not very good at sports but brilliant in the art of studying, his wish to become a journalist and with a little luck, a writer. My older brother would pick up on me ‘cause I didn’t went out with any of the girls in the school, and ‘cause my face was just ‘too’ cute -my mother used to call it the fine beauty, but then again, my mother has always had a way to say the things- and I wasn’t strong enough to apply for any of the football teams.

Everything until then was as normal as any of you can be, and I really wasn’t worried about sexuality, I though that I was just shy, and would find a girl I like sooner or later.

Needless to say, that didn’t happened. Cause I started liking a person, yes, and it was all a new feeling for me I didn’t quite understood. But that was ok. That *would* have been ok, if the person wasn’t my best friend. My male best friend.

Then, the problems started.